Giving the Kurt Vonnegut Treatment to Baseball Writing

There’s this story out there, most likely true, that Kurt Vonnegut worked for Sports Illustrated for a short time. A very short time. Maybe you’ve heard this before, maybe you haven’t, it’s a good story nonetheless. Mr. Vonnegut was told to write an article about a racehorse that had jumped over a fence in an attempt to escape from wherever or whoever or whatever it had grown tired of being around. Horses do this from time to time. A self described writer who “didn’t care or known squat about sports,” Vonnegut sat for a while, contemplating what he might write. The whole thing bored him to pieces. He grew restless. He decided to quit. He wrote “the horse jumped over the fucking fence” and walked out of the office. Ideas or the lack of them can cause disease.

And so, with maybe the sincerest gratitude I’m capable of, I’d like to submit my own humble contribution to this fine tradition. It’s going to be a terrible piece of blasphemy, so please forgive me. In what follows, I would like to consider some of the more popular pieces of current baseball news and give them the Kurt Vonnegut treatment.

  • The right fielder threw the fucking ball.
  • The prospect smoked the fucking marijuana.
  • The third baseman broke his fucking hamate bone.
  • The outfielder insulted the fucking Jews.
  • The team traded for a fucking reliever.
  • The jury listened to the fucking pitcher.
  • The basketball player bought the fucking Dodgers.
  • The pitcher threw a fucking no hitter.
  • The base runner stole the fucking base.
  • The former player appealed his fucking conviction.
  • The infielders turned a fucking double play.
  • The team signed the old fucking outfielder.
  • The batter hit a fucking home run.
  • The closer tore his fucking ACL.
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