Author Archives: Kyle

Some Baseball Blog Posts Featuring the Seattle Mariners

I definitely write for Lookout Landing now. I’ve penned three posts at this point and I’m still there and they haven’t asked me to leave. It’s happening. It’s real. Seeing as Lookout Landing is a baseball blog that focuses on the Seattle Mariners, and I myself am also a Seattle Mariners fan, it seems like a not terrible idea to compile a few links to the posts I’ve written in the past that were about said Mariners. There have been 288 submissions around these parts and 50 of them have been tagged with “Seattle Mariners.” So those are some numbers. Below, you’ll find a link to all 50 (if you hate yourself, I suggest reading them all), as well as a hand-picked sampling from that number that I don’t completely despise. Maybe you came here from Lookout Landing and want to know how terrible I am at writing. Maybe you’re just super into the Seattle Mariners and lord help you. At any rate, there is Seattle Mariners content here, if you’re into that sort of thing.

All posts tagged “Seattle Mariners”

Oliver Perez: Vessel of the Divine

Please Remember That Felix Hernandez Threw a Perfect Game and Me and My Wife Were Both There As Witnesses

An Open Letter to the Person Selling an Autographed Erik Bedard Jersey on Seattle Craigslist

Purchased: Randy Johnson and Ken Griffey Jr. 1991 Fleer Baseball Cards

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Banknotes Harper Surrounded by Banknotes

After one fateful evening, in which I read Dayn Perry’s modern masterpiece “Banknotes Harper is Going to Have to Take This Call” and figuratively laughed my literal ass off, I awoke the next morning and browsed the myriad tubes of the world wide web, inspired and compelled to find and purchase the Brian Harper Cell Phone Baseball Card featured in the post. Let’s not examine my motivations and desires too much here, for there can only be losers. At any rate, I was able to procure my treasure for the extremely reasonable price of $3.19 plus $0.39 shipping. It was mailed my my home address and is now in my possession.

Now, if the baseballing internet and one Mr. Perry will allow me a humble homage, I would like to present my own awkwardly plagiaristic submission to the prestigious blogging genre of Men Surrounded By Things. I give you, for some reason, Banknotes Harper Surrounded by Banknotes:

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Baseball Blogging Update Lookout Landing Edition

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I have been asked to contribute to the Seattle Mariners SB Nation Baseball Blog Lookout Landing and that is a rather insane thing for me to think about and process. Recently, Jeff Sullivan stepped down from the website after god knows how many years. Turns out spending a great deal of your time committed to thinking and writing about one single, not that good baseball team can take its toll on a man. Jeff left behind a really large void and really big shoes and a really large staff of writers has been tasked with continuing on where he left off. They’re calling it Lookout Landing 2.0 and I am one of those writers, somehow. It feels good. And terrifying. Good and terrifying.

A few years ago I was asked by some friends to join their fantasy baseball league and I accepted. These friends were huge fans of the San Francisco Giants and I was a pretty lapsed Mariners fan who didn’t know hardly anything about the sport anymore. I was quite taken with the fantasy league, and by the game I had loved as a kid, and I started reading about baseball a lot at many different online destinations, both as a way to win my fake baseball league and also as an enjoyable intellectual pursuit. The first place I landed was probably McCovey Chronicles. My Giants fan friends would link me to these hilarious posts by this hilarious writer and I would laugh and enjoy the hell out of myself and marvel at the creativity that could be mined from baseball. From there, I figured hey, if this Giants blog on SB Nation is so great, I’m sure the Mariners blog is also awesome, and I just so happen to be a fan of the Seattle team, so that should work out great for me. Little did I know that going forward, I had lucked into a habit of reading two of the best baseball writers out there, and that the Mariners blogosphere as a whole was one of the most talented and robust a baseball fan could ask for. I started reading Lookout Landing and Jeff Sullivan every day. I started learning more and more and visited more and more sites with more and more information. I slacked off at work and tried to absorb everything. I hurt my head with math and had my mind blown by brilliant baseball posts about seemingly nothing. I looked at spreadsheets and equations and read poems and watched GIFs. Eventually, I decided that being  a failed writer in my mid-twenties wasn’t all that romantic, and that baseball was just a specific enough avenue, defined in some sort of manageable niche, that writing about it wouldn’t paralyze me completely. Octavio Dotel threw a baseball towards first base. And here we are now.

I’ve been doing this now for something like 18 months, and I’ve been lucky in that almost every time I’ve had it, or felt tapped out creatively, or wanted to quit torturing myself because watching TV and drinking beer is easier, the Baseball Blog Gods have thrown me a bone of encouragement and given me a reason to keep grinding. It wasn’t very long ago that I left some other baseball website because a new editor wasn’t buying what I had been selling. I pulled myself back a bit and enjoyed my life a bit more, but I didn’t stop and then all this Lookout Landing chaos happened. So I supposed I’ll keep going a while longer and try to make my humble contributions where they are needed. I’ll also keep going with some general baseball nonsense around these parts when inspiration strikes. It’s pretty crazy to read a website regularly for years and then one day look up and see your name on the front page. Here’s to not fucking it up.

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For The Turnstiles

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All the bush league batters
Are left to die on the diamond.
In the stands the home crowd scatters
For the turnstiles.

Neil Young, On the Beach, 1974

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Reading is Easier Than Writing

There are a lot of really good writers on the internet. A whole lot. They write all these columns and pieces and posts with all these words in them and they’re all just full of wordsmithing and honesty and humor and everything else that’s amazing and good in this world. Shit that makes you want to be a better writer and wish you were doing more to make your brain smart in service towards that aspiration. Excellent writing on the internet is both equally inspiring and paralyzing. Today I read a bunch of stuff that I really enjoyed, but reading said stuff also convinced me to just call it a day, blog post wise, and instead lazily post links and excerpts to those pieces rather than hold myself accountable to any sort of self-imposed writing schedule. We’ll let the experts have this one today. Reading is easier than writing.

Greg Luzinski Is a Killing Machine

Do not blame Greg Luzinski for being a killing machine: For he is but a hostage to his factory settings. The pits of his eyes are pellucid only at the moment of the kill. Stare into them — moments before he makes a deadly cudgel out of one of your de-socketed limbs — and you see nothing more than the clicks, clangs, grinds and clatters of an industrial sense of mission. It follows, then, that Greg Luzinski is a killing machine.

A Baseball Life, Page 19

Not every sport was equally viable for one player. Basketball worked well enough, though football was a near disaster. (On a given play, I would hike the ball to myself, drop back, throw the ball into the air, run under it, make the catch, and then proceed to tackle myself.) I talked my parents into letting me dig one golf hole in the middle of our yard, and then set up a course by arranging eight tees around it in each compass direction. My parents even bought and set up a tetherball pole in the driveway in what I can only imagine was a cruel and well-executed joke.

Felix Fermin To Feast On Your Entrails Just As Soon As He Puts On This Cap

Hehehehehehe, Felix Fermin does not even want to complete the act of putting on this cap, because he smells what you just ate for lunch through the filter of your entrails. Once Felix Fermin rips open your outer flesh, he will also rip open your entrails to get at your lunch; he will eat the undigested mush as an appetizer — before he eats your entrails. He likes that.

These aren’t baseball related but I also read them today and had a great time doing so. It’s not like their inclusion is going to make this post any less half-assed than it already is.

The Nobituary: David Bowie

Anatomy of a Fascinating Disaster: Fire Walk With Me

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A Baseball Poem

I had a dream about Zack Greinke and he spoke to me,

on the telephone,  I mean,

Zack Greinke spoke

to me and he said many things. It was a dream,

remember, and I started spitting teeth

like bad TV but my ears remained in place

and Greinke said “You use me—

you use me like you use so many others.

To suit your needs, as tools

of distraction from thinking

about yourself. Maybe

I shouldn’t be me. I should be someone else,

like your mother or your high school girlfriend or

a person more meaningful.”

I had a dream

about Zack Greinke but it wasn’t

a dream because I was awake

and not sleeping. Greinke

said “You have to check out

this video online. These Russian guys are driving

and they almost hit a semi

head on, but at the last second they swerve

out of the way. It’s crazy.”

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Oliver Perez: Vessel of the Divine

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As evidenced by the above image of and Jon Heyman tweet about, Mariners pitcher Oliver Perez is now an official vessel of the Divine. Tasked with removing all hell from all baseballs, Perez has begun his righteous journey in Arizona, where he’ll be pitching for his home country of Mexico in the World Baseball Classic. So far, he has risen to his saintly challenge, and he has succeeded. Today, there are baseballs in Arizona who have had all the hell removed from within, and there shall be more to follow in likewise manner. In order to begin a long and arduous quest, one must simply take the first step. Oliver Perez has done just that. Godspeed to him.

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Roy Halladay is The Immortal

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“That’s how we labeled him: This guy is The Immortal, we’re all just humans, and we’re lucky enough to play baseball with him,” said Cole Hamels, one of the Phillies’ aces who, postseason included, threw 262 1/3 innings in 2008 and remains awed by Halladay pushing similar boundaries annually. “He made it seem so easy, and at the same time, when the opposing team thinks it had got to him, he flipped a switch, and it was, like, ‘Nope.’ It’s like when you try to scare someone, and he knows you’re trying to scare him, and it doesn’t work. It’s embarrassing.”

Hat tip to Navin Vaswani for providing the above source with his Hot Internet Tweetage.

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Some Important Fart Quotes To Go With Bert Blyleven’s I Love To Fart Shirt

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“If I fail, the film industry writes me off as another statistic. If I succeed, they pay me a million bucks to fly out to Hollywood and fart.” – George A. Romero / Filmmaker

“Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” – Lyndon B. Johnson / American President

“Bathroom humor, fart, and poo poo humor in movies gets a laugh. It’s a pretty easy audience, and that’s been around for ages.” – Selma Blair / Actress That My Wife Does Not Particularly Care For

“My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.” – Jenny McCarthy / Model, Comedian, Actress, Vaccine Denying Psychopath

“I’d like to think I’d never do a gratuitous fart joke.” – Harold Ramis / Actor, Director, Writer, Gratuitous Fart Joker

“At my age, you sort of fart your way into a role.” – Donald Sutherland / Actor, Father of Kiefer

“I didn’t want to do a throwaway, mindless movie with fart jokes just to make 6-year-olds laugh. I want to provide my children with some substance.” – Fred Durst / Musician, Filmmaker, Creator of the Album ‘Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water’

“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.” – Kurt Vonnegut / Author, Smoker of Cigarettes

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