Roberto Clemente’s Doughnut Shop

Hall of Fame Doughnuts!

Too soon?

If you’re the kind of internet user that I think you are, dear imaginary reader, then you are most assuredly aware of the excellent and supremely hilarious podcast known as “Mike and Tom Eat Snacks,” or MATES if you are, in fact, into the whole brevity thing. The premise of MATES is as simple as it is brilliant. Every week, the two hosts of the podcast, Celebrity Comedian Michael Ian Black, and Canadian Tom Cavanagh pick a snack to eat, discuss, and rate. Hijinks and laughter ensue in what may be the strongest showing of improvisational comedy ever committed to (digital) tape. Any Wacko-Snacko episode is not to be missed, I assure you.

For the purposes of this post, I’ll ask you to consider the above episode of MATES. Listening to the entire thing would be a great use of your afternoon, but if you have a business meeting to attend or massive surgery scheduled, skipping ahead to Minute 17, Second 31 will save you some time. The two hosts are discussing the strange and unsettling country of Canada, and the coffee and doughnut seller ubiquitous in the land known as Tim Hortons. Apparently—and this was news to me, being the red-blooded American that I am—Tim Horton was first a somewhat popular hockey player (hockey is a sport, as far as I can tell from surfing the internet) before becoming an institution in the coffee and doughnut game. Tragically, Mr. Horton lost his life in an automobile accident. Hearing this, host Michael Ian Black wonders if the man passed “pre-dougnuts [or] post-doughnuts?” Imagining the somewhat uncouth process of naming a coffee and doughnut shop after a dead-too-soon ex-hockey player, the two hosts concur that Tim Horton, no doubt, died post doughnuts. They then after conceive of a comedic scenario in which a doughnut shop is named after Hall of Fame Baseball Player and Total Hero Roberto Clemente. “It’d be like us opening a Roberto Clemente doughnut shop,” says Michael Ian Black, to which Canadian Tom Cavanagh responds “Not a bad idea.”

Here at The Trance of Waiting, we are nothing if not opportunistic, and have taken the liberty of mocking up said doughnut shop in the above image. Personally, we can’t foresee any potential pitfalls to a business model centered around the bust of Roberto Clemente utilized to sell coffee and doughnuts, and would like to volunteer whatever capital needed to get this enterprise off the ground and running. We eagerly await word from MATES representation.
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