I know the World Series is about to start, but this is way more important. A gentleman by the name of George Hesselberg has written an article over at the Wisconsin State Journal about the office Mr. Allan “Bud” Selig will inhabit at the University of Wisconsin following his retirement from Commissioner of Baseball in 2012. Now, a lot of people seem to think that Selig won’t, in fact, retire on the date he previously said he would. They think he’ll be persuaded to stick around a bit longer—give everyone more time to prepare for life without him and search for a suitable replacement. This is something I just cannot accept. First of all, what, are you calling George Hesselberg a fucking liar? And second, I’m almost entirely sure that Bud Selig is an evil lizard alien creature, sent to Earth by some extremely advanced and malevolent species with technology that far surpasses what we as humans can even conceive to be possible with our tiny, feeble brains—they’ve implemented him as the head of our American Pastime in order to erode it from the inside by nurturing inept umpires, bogging down the implementation of instant replay, and adding wild card teams until half the entire league can qualify for the postseason—once they’ve destroyed Baseball, the backbone of American culture and society, then the country, then the world, will be helpless to resist as they overtake all of humanity and boil everything down to make fuel for their rocketships. Through some divine miracle, or maybe plain dumb luck, we’ve been given a date to rid ourselves of this Bud Selig, and banish him to the bastille of academia forever. Being a believer in justice and goodness, I can’t allow myself to envision a scenario in which Selig is allowed to continue Commissioning any longer past the date he himself set forth. We’ll continue on under that assumption, because the alternative is too grisly and horrifying to imagine.
And so Bud Selig will retire in 2012, and move on to spend his days in the modest University of Wisconsin office described in Not Liar George Hesselberg’s piece. There will be bubblegum there, and Milwaukee Brewers pocket schedules, and a desk and a chair and a television and all that. Bud’s future colleagues already seem to be excited at the prospect of working with and around the Commissioner, with one chairwoman saying “He’s kind of fun … He seems to be a modest man, a sharp but regular guy,” which is totally a normal way that people talk and not unnatural at all.
Whilst reading the article, I couldn’t help but take notice of the photograph which accompanies the body of the text. It showcases the very office that commands the focus of the narrative. I was able to examine the specifics of Mr. Selig’s future post—the nameplate with an Arizona Diamondback’s logo on it (makes perfect sense), the desk and chair Bud will make use of, his telephone and television with wires sprawled akimbo. Beyond that, an orange button that reads “Buy this photo” caught my eye, and I clicked it. I was taken to a page that makes the photograph available for purchase, with options for size, framing, and mat colors. Put simply, this is an irresistible opportunity. Because I’m classy as shit, I’m leaning towards the 16×20 Mahogany Wood Frame Cream Mat option, priced at a completely reasonable $99.95, but I wouldn’t fault anyone for choosing any available combination. I would urge you to purchase one today, before the internet gets a hold of this thing and it all sells out in a frantic viral frenzy. I can’t imagine a single living room mantle, workspace, or children’s bedroom that wouldn’t be improved with the addition of this framed masterpiece.