The internet has been getting all excited lately. I mean, sure, when isn’t the internet all excited, you’re probably asking, and that’s a very fair question. The internet is, indeed, all excited and riled up at a very frequent rate. You can’t calm it down for even like five seconds, that internet. But anyway, it’s not as though the continual stimulus of the internet therefore makes all stimulus of the internet inconsequential by comparison—as individuals, we have to pick our spots in this cold dark world and derive meaning from wherever we can—and in this case, the case of rumors regarding the potential signing of Prince Fielder or Albert Pujols by the Florida Marlins, all the titillation (gross) is more or less completely understandable.
When big things happen, bold men step up and take action (free rhyming campaign slogan for anyone who’s interested). This can manifest in many different ways, but perhaps the most important of these ways is in the writing of story headlines for online publications and newspapers. The American people are a hardworking breed, and busy as all get out. They’re raising families and paying bills and raking leaves and their time is precious. They need to be able to digest the salient points of a major news story in a manner of moments while simultaneously being slightly entertained, and that’s where the headline writers of this world make their goddamned hay.
If Prince Fielder or Albert Pujols sign with the Florida Marlins, it will be front-page news material. It will be massive, and it will demand nothing short of the best headline human beings are capable of producing. A succinct and efficient headline worthy of its content, and also including a totally killer pun. Here at The Trance of Waiting, we’d like to get a head start on the editorial process, and lay the groundwork so that we’re all adequately prepared if and when one of these deals happen. Our humble efforts are as follows:
Marlins Hook a Big One! Sign Pujols.
Put it on the Mantle. Fielder Now a Marlin.
The Fish Bait Large Catch With Signing of Pujols.
Florida Lure’s Big Prize in Prince Fielder.
Florida Casts Wide Net, Snags Pujols.
The Fish Become the Fisherman: Fielder to Florida.
Marlin Fishing An Expensive Hobby: Albert Signs.
Florida Threads Fishing Pole, Casts Jig, Waits a While, Feels a Pull, Gets Excited, Calms Down, Sets the Hook, Allows For Some Drag, Reels a Bit, Waits Patiently, Conserves Energy, Reels Some More, Pulls Prince Fielder into Boat, Beats Him About Head with Small Club Designed for That Very Purpose, Puts Him in Cooler with Ice and Water, Takes Him Home to Cook and Eat Him.