Details are beginning to trickle in regarding the new MLB labor deal. Expanded replay (thank goodness), a longer All-Star Break (whatever), no tattooing logos on your body (seriously), some shit about players having to buy warehouses full of their old jerseys if they don’t give eight months notice for a number change—all super exciting stuff. However, the most notable detail (and when I say “most notable,”I mean “most able to somewhat inspire a smart-ass blog post topic”) is one that puts an end to the long standing tradition of players having roommates during Spring Training. And that’s too bad, because Danny Hultzen was totally looking forward to bunking with Felix Hernandez. He’d called dibs and everything.
Danny: Oh, dang it all to heck! Have you heard the news, Felix? Everyone gets their own room during Spring Training from now on!
Felix: I don’t understand why that is bad news.
Danny: Well, it’ll be my first year, and we were going to bunk together. I was totally looking forward to it!
Felix: We were going to bunk together?
Danny: Yeah! I called dibs on it and everything!
Felix: What is “dibs?”
Danny: It’s like when you claim something before hand, like calling shotgun in the car.
Felix: Like bringing a shotgun into a car?!
Danny: No! Calling shotgun. So you can sit in the front seat.
Felix: I am not familiar with that expression. I do not know this “dibs.” Quite frankly, I’m having a hard time understanding anything you’re saying at all.
Danny: Well, you see, I figured at first, we’d kind of clash a bit. What with all the ignorance and racial tension existing on the team and everything. We’d see each other more as an embodiment and symbol of fear and otherness, rather than as human beings. Our racist friends would feed us lies and misinformation, furthering the divide between us. We’d get in a fight over one of us hanging a racially charged poster up in our room, and Skip Wedge would force us to ask each other questions and take notes under the guise of having to submit a report, but really, he’d be tricking us into better understanding while getting to know each other better. Eventually he’d wake us all up in the middle of the night and make us run miles and miles for hours and hours until we came upon the site of the Battle of Gettysburg. And he’d deliver to us an inspiring speech, bringing us together in empathy and love, cementing us as a team who plays the game like men.
Felix: What the fuck?
Danny: And Ryan Gosling would be there!
Felix: That’s from the movie Remember the Titans.
Danny: It is? Oh, crackers! I just love that movie, don’t you?
Felix: Yeah it was pretty good, actually.
Danny: We could have watched it together in our room before bed at Spring Training!
Felix: I always room with Guti anyway.
Danny: We could have discussed the art of pitching!