If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this cold and baren baseball offseason, it’s that Professional Football is immensely popular. People love that shit! I can’t go five minutes, on the internet or in real, actual life, without hearing something related to the pigskin pastime. Fantasy teams, Tim Tebow, suicide pools, point spreads, Tim Tebow, over/unders, Tebowing, concussions, unnecessary roughness fines, Tim Tebow — it never ends. About that Tim Tebow fellow: People sure enjoy talking about him. They think he’s a righteous dude. Or not. I actually find Tebow to be a rather fascinating, if not fully annoying public figure, worthy of in-depth analysis and examination in the capable hands of a thoughtful sportswriter. But this is a baseball blog (or so you’ve been told), and these hands are far from capable—so ham-fisted jackassery it is.
That Tim Tebow has a certain knack for generating headlines and front-page material, both directly and indirectly. Lebron James has found that out. You know Rick Reilly has. And so has this ESPN Golf writer? I don’t know what kind of substance is to be found in those links. My guess is very little— and in the case of the golf article, it’s more than a guess. I mean, what the fuck? But substance is not what we’re going for here. We’re going for headlines. Impact. Name recognition. The building of a brand. With that in mind, I would like to present to you a handful of Baseballers who may find some benefit in talking openly and loudly about Tim Tebow for all to hear.
Tim Lincecum: This one is a total slam dunk (so many sports in one post!). Both Lincecum and Tebow were decorated collegiate athletes with wonky mechanics that made many organizations skeptical they could translate their success to the professional level. Jumping under the warm light of Tebow’s media relations could help Timmy distance himself from all that weed talk he’s so fond of.
C.J. Wilson: Both are straight-edge as all get out. Wilson is no longer a free agent, so the timing could have been better, but you can’t win them all. C.J. should embrace the positive association with Tebow of being a total lightweight.
Dustin Pedroia: I mean, come on.
Carlos Beltran: Both wear number 15. Numbers can signify words and words have meaning and meaning means news. Tebow 3:16!
Ryan Braun: It certainly couldn’t hurt.
Some Left-Handed Pitcher: Or hitter, really. The important thing here is that Tim Tebow is also left-handed.
Pete Rose: He could mention how much he used to hustle, just like Tim Tebow. Again, it really couldn’t hurt.
David Ortiz: Call me crazy, but I think the two have very similar beards. Facial hair is so in right now. Ortiz should talk about his beard using an ambiguous mix of earnest and irony, weaving Tebow into the whole thing somehow.
Albert Pujols: Dude’s had his fair share of headlines these days, but when you’re the big man, it doesn’t hurt to keep the momentum going. And you know, the whole loving Jesus Christ thing really bonds them together.
David Eckstein: Now this is getting ridiculous.