Monthly Archives: February 2012

Super Topical: Chone Figgins, Leadoff Hitter

This will end well.

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Call to the Pen: Moneyball Shut Out at Oscars, Joe Morgan Pleased

Moneyball didn’t win any Academy Awards. It probably shouldn’t have. That’s OK. It was a perfectly fine movie but nothing all that spectacular, remember? Brad Pitt was good in it. So was Andy Dwyer. I have to imagine that at least one person was really happy about all of this, and that one person is none other than Joe Leonard Morgan. Hell of a ballplayer, that Joe Morgan. Not much of a brain user, however. It’s long been a great internet baseball nerd tradition and rite of passage to make fun of Morgan in print, and today at Call to the Pen I submit my own humble attempt at beating that horse to absolute and unrelenting death. Please click this hyperlink and continue on to read the words I wrote. There’s a small chance you may find them to be humorous. Also, look at how cool the guy used to be:


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Here’s Adrian Beltre and Carlos Beltran Each Hitting Career Home Run 300

On September 11th, 2011 Adrian Beltre hit his 300th career home run. Three days later, Carlos Beltran also hit his 300th career home run. If you think I’m lying (and I don’t know why you would, but hey, I’m not here to mitigate your feelings) here’s some proof along with a couple of rookie cards of the two gentleman*:

Beltre hits dong job #300                                Beltran hits slamma jamma #300


*I was really excited to embed those videos and look super goddamn professional, but it turns out these WordPress gangsters won’t let me and I’m not smart enough to hack around their bullshit. God, what’s the point then? I should just delete this whole post and write about something available on YouTube. I should, but I won’t because I’m weak and uncreative.

Beltre and Beltran are sort of similar players, you know? There’s the whole home run total thing, of course. Their first names have the same number of letters. Their last names sound kind of the same and both start with “B-e-l-t-r.” They both have one of those little lines above a vowel in their last name. My wife and/or the internet would know what that’s called, and I could ask her or it, but I want to provide a truthful account of my ignorance so this post is staying as is. Both players made their Major League debuts in 1998. Beltre was 19 years old and Beltran was 21 years old. Good God, I’ve done nothing with my life. Both players seem to this ignorant sap to be vastly underrated by the casual baseball fan. Beltre gets overlooked because he’s a master with the glove and couldn’t hit in Safeco all those years. Beltran gets overlooked because he’s takes a lot of walks, runs the bases as well as anyone in the history of the game, and he didn’t swing at a pitch that one time in New York. It’s a bummer, but such is life when 80% of everyone is stupid. Probably more. Both players will be really interesting Hall of Fame cases in a few years, provided they both stay reasonably healthy and are able to slowly produce a bit here and there on their way out of the game. Neither is a lock to do that. I hope they both do. Because I really like both of them, that’s why.


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Call to the Pen: Don Zimmer: Man, Ballplayer, Nightmare-Inducing Plaything for Children

You may or may not have heard about this Zim Bear, the promotional item being given away for free by the Tampa Bay Rays. If you have, then you know it’s goddamn bananas. If you have not, you’ll soon know that it’s goddamn bananas. Head on over to the popular baseball blog Call to the Pen and read words about it. The baseball career of Don Zimmer is also covered in brief. And these two things are brought up, you’ll have to click through to see why and how:

But seriously, I’m going to buy a Zim Bear or two on Ebay.


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Call to the Pen: Important Development: Bad Spring Training Twitpics

Today at the Major League Baseball blog Call to the Pen, I wrote about the emergence of the internet website Bad Spring Training Twitpics. The website provides exactly what you would expect. Bad pictures posted on Twitter about Spring Training. That, and pithy comments and snark and stuff. It’s everything nerds like you and me enjoy about baseball on the internet. Thank you baseball and the internet and Bad Spring Training Twitpics!


This is but one example of a bad Spring Training twit pic. It is so bad.

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Mr. Met Was on 30 Rock on Thursday for the Purpose of Humor

Mr. Met on 30 Rock

You may have noticed that Mr. Met made a cameo appearance on the popular television comedy 30 Rock on Thursday night as part of NBC’s “Must See TV” block of programming. They’re still doing that, right? I like to be topical and current in my writing and that’s why I’m posting about something that happened no less than 91 hours ago. Either way, 30 Rock was hilarious, as it has been for the short entirety of its current season. I feel like the show has really been bringing it these last few weeks and returning to form in a way that’s very encouraging and awesome. Baseball. The above image features something related to baseball. A very popular mascot of a very popular Major League Baseball team! You can’t say I didn’t blog about baseball today. Because I did. Technically. Super half-assed. Way more so than usual.


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Call to the Pen: Book Review: “21” The Story of Roberto Clemente

My most recent post over at Call to the Pen is about the graphic novel 21: The Story of Roberto Clemente. I learned about this book some months ago on the internet, added it to my list, and then purchased it last week after receiving an Amazon gift card for taking a survey online about my preferred brand of watches (Nixon, of course). Quite the strange sequence of events. I also purchased Michael Showalter’s Mr. Funnypants. I will not be reviewing Mr. Funnypants.

21 was a very good book. You should click on this text right here and go see why I think so.

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Yoenis Cespedes: Demigod

Coco Crisp is a confident guy. I guess you’d have to be with that name. He was asked Tuesday while on a phone interview about the Oakland Athletic’s recent acquisition of Cuban workout master and vowel enthusiast Yoenis Cespedes. Cespedes plays defense in the outfield and is well regarded as an athlete and gloveman. Crisp had this to say:

“I’m going to make all the plays. If someone feels there’s someone better than me, it’s hard for me to believe. Unless he’s a demigod come down from the heavens, no one is going to outshine me in center field.”

He may have a point. Crisp is known to be an above-average defender both by reputation and statistics. He’s getting older, with some of his swiftness of foot perhaps waning, but the longtime center fielder certainly isn’t out of line to suggest the spot is his to lose.

The pertinent question then becomes: Is Yoenis Cespedes, as Crisp says, a demigod come down from the heavens? The facts seem to point towards “Yes.”

Yoenis Cespedes’ father was a god. His mother was a human.

Yoenis Cespedes is a human-god hybrid.

Yoenis Cespedes is tight with the Sumerian king Gilgamesh.

Yoenis Cespedes is stronger, braver, and quicker than other mortals.

Yoenis Cespedes is a DemigodYoenis Cespedes is able to accomplish super-human feats as a consequence of his divine lineage.

Yoenis Cespedes battles and vanquishes large monsters and beasts.

Yoenis Cespedes sometimes displays his incredible talent and ability just for the sake of spreading his own legend.

The image accompanying this post is 100% authentic and real.

Yoenis Cespedes has mad arm strength.


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Call to the Pen: Kenley Jansen is the Dodgers Best Reliever

My most recent post over at Call to the Pen takes a meandering look at how Kenley Jansen is really good at pitching and is the Dodgers best reliever, and how the Dodgers may or may not be aware of that fact and utilizing him properly. The important thing is to note the strikeout rate. That strikeout rate, am I right? Chicks dig the K. Well, I think they dig the long ball, but if they knew what was good for them they’d dig the K as well. That was not a threat. This is Valentine’s Day and I did not just threaten all women into better appreciating the strikeout in the sport of baseball.


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