If You Want to Own The Head Hair of Jose Reyes, You Better Move Fast

I have to imagine that at least one of you currently reading this blog is an independently wealthy celebrity hair collector with eleven or so grand burning a hole in your pocket. That being the case, you are in fucking luck my friend, because there’s still a few hours left for you to bid on some smelly old dreadlocks previously attached to the skull of Miami Marlins shortstop Jose Reyes. At the time of this writing, there’s less than four hours left in the auction and the current bid is the paltry sum of $10,200.00, meaning that whoever ends up with this plastic sack of aged, purposefully unwashed and greasy hair bits is going to have an old-fashioned, All-American, bona fide bargain on their hands. Frankly, at this price, you can’t afford not to bid on this old dead hair that belonged to a famous stranger who is good at the sporFormer Hippyt of baseball. I’ll be honest, without proper photographic evidence, I’m a bit skeptical as to the veracity of the auction, so I’ve included a picture of Reyes post haircut and sans dreadlocks to hopefully assuage any trepidation you may be feeling. The picture has been lifted from television, so you know it’s 100% authentic and true. Not to mention, there’s that little ribbon next to the title of the listing, so that has to mean it’s legit. And wait, there’s also this very official looking banner and information in the body of the description that explains the hair is being sold for some kind of charity. The Make-A-Wish Foundation? They grant the wishes of children with life-threatening medical conditions to enrich the human experience with hope, strength and joy? Goddammit, now I’m the asshole.

Update: You snooze, you lose, suckers.

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