I’m a Man of My Word When it Comes to Framing Pictures of Dave Parker Wearing a Hockey Mask While Playing Baseball

It’s a great idea to quote yourself when writing a baseball blog post. It adds to your word count, makes the post look longer, and requires little to no additional work. Everyone (except maybe the reader) wins! For example, remember when I wrote this post? I bet you don’t, but I’m not going to hold it against you. What’s important is that you’re here now. All we have is now. Don’t you ever forget that.

I’m not lying to you, dear reader, when I say that I will print this image out on photograph stock of mild quality—I will then purchase a cheap black frame, probably at the same shitty drug store from where I extract the print, and I will go home with both, drive a nail with a hammer, and hang the two in combination on the wall of my home. Sure, it will probably be inside a certain closet that I have in mind, away from the discerning eyes of my wife who probably doesn’t want a haunting image of a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball monster adorning her living room—but it will hang, and I will know of it, and I will look at it daily with fondness and awe and I will be inspired and filled with mirth.

That is pretty much exactly what happened. Thanks Walgreens! I have provided photographic evidence of the framed photograph on the top right of this post. The mirth in my stately closet is abundant and flowing. My wife is overjoyed. Life is good. I will now have the pleasure of looking upon this picture of Dave Parker on a daily basis while performing activities in my closet. While I’m dressing, or changing into pajamas, or fetching food for my cats, or searching for batteries, Dave Parker will be there, waiting, watching over me. He’ll say Awesome shirt, Kyle! or Those sweatpants look super comfortable, Kyle! or The batteries are right there, on the box on the shelf, bro! Actually, he wont say any of these things, because he’s a framed photograph, and not a real person. He’s inanimate and unable to speak. He’s ink and paper encased within wood and glass. He’s not even a “he,” he’s an “it.” Jesus.

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