Here’s the story of how I ended up buying this Official Jackmaster Baseball Knife: I frequent many baseball related internet websites in my day-to-day life. One of these internet websites is FanGraphs. Within FanGraphs, there exists a cousin, or sister, or bastard child site by the name of NotGraphs, a place where baseball whimsy and ridiculousness and insanity is practiced. I probably don’t have to tell you that I am a big fan of NotGraphs. One day, while browsing NotGraphs, I came across a blog post entiled “Baseball and Sharp Objects” and I read it and I was taken by the subject of the post. The subject of the post was, you guessed it, the Official Jackmaster Baseball Knife. It was weird and unique and rusty and dangerous and involved baseball and so I wanted to buy it with money and own it. I even documented my desire with a comment on the blog post. The guy that says “Holy shit! I want to buy this,” that’s me. I’m Kyle. Before commenting, I searched Ebay and it’s archives for evidence of such a thing even being for sale. I was in luck. I found an expired auction for the knife and included a link in the aforementioned comment. Determined to waste my not-so-hard earned money, I proceeded to directly contact the attempted seller of the Official Jackmaster Baseball Knife. I told him that I had intentions to bid on and purchase his item were he to ever make it available for auction once again. He told me that he planned to re-list the item sometime soon and would try to let me know when he did so. Some days later, he let me know the knife was live on Ebay and available. I made a single, solitary bid and patiently waited until the auction ended and I was the victor. Then I paid for the thing and it was shipped to my address and now it’s here with me and it’s mine. I’m still trying to decide how to properly display it.
As you can see, the sides of the knife show pictures of different blade positions and baseball terms that apply to them. Things like “Strike,” “Out,” Homer,” “Single,” Double,” etc. The internet tells me that the baseball game the knife is designed for is some kind of variation on what is called “Mumbley Peg.” In Mumbley Peg, two knife owners take turns throwing a knife between their own feet. Whoever gets the knife closest to his foot is the winner, while the loser has to pull some Mumbley Peg type piece of wood out of the ground with his teeth. Sounds reasonable. There are definitely more complicated ways of playing this game but let’s leave it at that because I mean really, who has the time. So, as you can probably guess, with this Official Jackmaster Baseball Knife, some similar knife throwing takes place but instead of feet and terror being involved, a baseball game is played and it’s particulars depend on how the knife does or doesn’t stick into the ground. That sounds like something wonderful I’ll never partake in because television and the internet exist.
So that’s the story of how I ended up buying this Official Jackmaster Baseball Knife and what it’s all about. The important thing is that I purchased it with money and felt a fleeting thrill of having done something exciting, and for a few, all too brief moments, I was overcome with adrenaline and endorphins and I no longer felt small or alone or feared death.