Tag Archives: Atlanta Braves

Call to the Pen: B.J. Upton and Justin Upton Have Big Plans For Atlanta


Please click this internet hyperlink to read the entire post over at Call to the Pen

And what might those plans be? That is an excellent question that an author of a blog post might strategically plant into the imaginary minds of his imaginary readers in order to best lead his content into an awkward and predetermined space. The Uptons are brothers, separated by a mere three years. They are no doubt close, and enjoy each others company. They even have shared interests and professional ambitions! What might those two scoundrels be up to now that they’ve been brought back together? Here are some ideas.

Finally get the Gold Cup on every track in Mario Cart, both SNES and N64.

Combine their individual wardrobes into one, massive, unstoppable and stylish super shared wardrobe.

Go halfsies on that Groupon for golf lessons and split the instruction time evenly.

Complete a 3-D puzzle of the London Bridge.

Act out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles battle scenes with B.J. as Leonardo and Justin as Raphael.

Put together the K’NEX roller coaster.

Share notes on the repertoires and tendencies of opposing pitchers as to gain a strategic advantage against other baseball teams.

Consult each other for advice in regards to haircuts and facial grooming.

Order pizza for dinner like, every night.

Get bunk beds.


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Call to the Pen: Whose Stove is the Hottest Stove?


The linked to post at Call to the Pen—the post that posits the question “whose stove is the hottest stove?” and then goes on to not really answer the question at all—opens with a picture of Former President Jimmy Carter wearing an Atlanta Braves baseball cap. Much like this post, that post only gets worse thereafter.

Please click this internet hyperlink to read the entire post over at Call to the Pen

The Atlanta Braves

Simmering for some time, the Braves recently got boiling, locking up free agent outfielder B.J. Upton to a five-year, $75 million deal. They’ve also been talking to Chad Durbin, and are rumored to have discussed trade possibilities with the Twins for Denard Span. The Braves get points for a wide range (ha!) of heat dispersion, as well as the largest, most recent, flame ignition.

Hot Stove Rating: Three steaming kettles and a pan of popping bacon fat.


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Some Chipper Jones Facts

  • He plans to retire at the end of the 2012 season
  • That’s why I’m writing this post
  • His given name is Larry Wayne Jones, Jr.
  • He was the first overall pick in the 1990 amateur draft
  • Ken Griffy Jr. and Alex Rodriguez were also first overall picks in the amateur draft
  • Don’t remind me
  • I already did, sorry
  • He has played, and will play, his entire career as an Atlanta Brave
  • Unless they trade him
  • That would be hilarious
  • And terrible
  • He was a World Series Champion in 1995
  • He was the NL MVP in 1999
  • I feel like he should have been the NL MVP more than one time
  • What are you gonna do?
  • His current career triple slash of .304/.402./.533 is fucking ridiculous
  • He has currently complied 87.5 fWAR
  • That’s pretty good
  • Hall of Fame good
  • First-ballot Hall of Fame good
  • But they’ll probably fuck that up
  • Like they always do
  • So it goes
  • One time he cheated on his wife which resulted in his having a child with a Hooters waitress
  • People don’t like to talk about that
  • He has a son named Shea because he used to really rake at Shea Stadium
  • People really like to talk about that
  • He has a charity wine called Chipper Chardonnay
  • Which I bet is terrible
  • Because Chardonnay is awful garbage wine
  • And it’s made by a baseball player
  • I bet he’s pretty sick of that goddamned Tomahawk Chop by now


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