Tag Archives: Dayn Perry

Banknotes Harper Surrounded by Banknotes

After one fateful evening, in which I read Dayn Perry’s modern masterpiece “Banknotes Harper is Going to Have to Take This Call” and figuratively laughed my literal ass off, I awoke the next morning and browsed the myriad tubes of the world wide web, inspired and compelled to find and purchase the Brian Harper Cell Phone Baseball Card featured in the post. Let’s not examine my motivations and desires too much here, for there can only be losers. At any rate, I was able to procure my treasure for the extremely reasonable price of $3.19 plus $0.39 shipping. It was mailed my my home address and is now in my possession.

Now, if the baseballing internet and one Mr. Perry will allow me a humble homage, I would like to present my own awkwardly plagiaristic submission to the prestigious blogging genre of Men Surrounded By Things. I give you, for some reason, Banknotes Harper Surrounded by Banknotes:


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NotGraphs Material: The Heath Bell Oil Boil

I started this modest baseball blog one day for reasons that I’m still unsure of. A creative outlet for a dormant writer, his brain and ability slowly withering away like some old, shitty corpse? Yes, that was one reason. Dreams of fame and fortune? Obviously. And despite a great deal of tangible evidence pointing towards this being a futile waste of time, I’m still here, writing these goddamned words and worrying about them. Beats me.

But behold, a light! I’ve mentioned NotGraphs here before and I shall do so again. NotGraphs is my Zihuatanejo. It is a warm place with no memory. Talented baseball writers craft posts there. The posts are about silly things. I myself write silly things about baseball so it seems I’m currently half-way towards fulfilling the criteria of the place. Perhaps one day.

The other day I partook in some nonsense and did some Photoshopping. It was concerning something Dayn Perry had said on a podcast about Heath Bell needing to shut his fat face, lest he be boiled in a large vat of oil, and with cause. I wrote some words and I had my fun and the day went on just like any other. Today, that image and a link back to this blog has graced the fine pages of NotGraphs.

I can honestly say that this is the current pinnacle of my time spent blogging on the internet about baseball. Jesus Christ, I just read the previous sentence and it was not intended to sound nearly as depressing as it does. At any rate, had I known this image and its origins were to be bestowed upon the clamoring masses, I definitely would have tried a little harder and done a better job. Then again, the same can be said for literally every single thing I do.

But it did happen.

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Heath Bell has been all yappin’ and stuff and then Ozzie Guillen has been all yappin’ and stuff and then the sports media has been yappin’ about said yappin’ and then smartasses on the internet have been yappin’ about the yappin’ about the yappin’. This is how the world works and how things will be forever until the end of time.

On the most recent edition of FanGraphs Audio, Dayn Perry, as he’s wont to do, offered up some sports opinions about this matter. They were both literally and figuratively hot as the undying fires of hell. There was also boiling oil involved, which, I imagine, is quite warm. Scalding, even. Dayn Perry, he said the words that make up the title of this post. Dayn Perry, he said “HEATH BELL NEEDS TO SHUT UP, OR BE BOILED IN OIL!”

In what is quickly becoming a new and very pathetic tradition, I’ve taken the liberty of Photoshopping together a picture of Heath Bell being boiled in oil. This proves that I know how to use the copy and paste functions on my computer, as well the layering properties of Photoshop, and also the polygonal lasso and eraser tools. And the clone stamp, too.

The Heath Bell Oil Boil

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