The Minnesota Twins coaching staff is tired of taking crap. People keep bringing them all this crap and being all like, “Hey, take this crap.” And then the Twins coaching staff is like, “No, we don’t want that crap.” Then the people are like, “Come on, please. We packed up all this crap and carried it over here to give to you. We’d really like it if you would just take it.” Then the Twins pitching staff is like, “No, seriously. We will not take your crap. We have taken enough. We have almost literally a ton a crap, crap that various different people keep bringing to us. At first we were like ‘Yeah, OK, great. Thanks for the crap, we guess,’ we didn’t want to be rude to the fans or anything like that. But now, now we have way more crap than we even know what to do with and we’re done taking crap. We’re done taking crap from you, or him, or her, or anybody for that matter. No more crap. The Minnesota Twins coaching staff will no longer be accepting crap. End of story.” Then the people are like, “Fine, whatever, you don’t have to be dicks about it. We were just bringing you this crap. We thought you wanted it because you keep on talking about all this “Pitch To Contact” stuff and we always just assumed that anyone talking about “Pitch To Contact” was really just strongly hinting than they’d like crap to be given to them.” Then the Twins coaching staff is like, “We get it, alright? We understand the root of the problem. That is why, in addition to our new policy in regards to crap and whether or not we will take it (we won’t), we’re also ending all talk of “Pitching To Contact” and any iteration thereof. That should solve this whole ordeal once and for all. We thank you for being a loyal fan of the team and we now consider this matter closed.” You can read all about it for yourself, complete with mention of Mikhail Gorbachev’s birthmark in official Soviet Union Portraits:
The phrase “pitch to contact” has been deleted from the Twins’ lexicon. It is gone forever.
Like Mikhail Gorbachev’s birthmark in official Soviet Union portraits, it has been expunged. All traces have been removed and no one is allowed to speak of it. As far as anyone is concerned, the phrase, like the birthmark, has dissipated into thin air.
“I’m never saying it again,” Twins pitching coach Rick Anderson said. “I’ve taken enough crap for it.”
So there. It’s done. It’s over. “Pitch to Contact” is dead, it’s been striped of its quotations and capitalizations and now is just simply pitch to contact, decreed or said by no one—just three words in succession, officially black-listed and devoid of meaning within the friendly confines of Minneapolis, Minnesota. One has to imagine that the discussion with the pitching staff about this sweeping organizational change was enlightening:
Pitching Coach: So, listen here, Twins pitcher. That whole pitch to contact thing, we’re scrapping it.
White Pitcher Drafted Out of College Who Probably Throws a Bunch of Two-Seamers or Something: Oh, really?
Pitching Coach: Yeah, really. It’s done. Just try and forget all that stuff. Carry on like you never heard it.
WPDOOCWPTABOTSOS: Ok, sounds good. Shouldn’t be too hard. It was always kind of a curious thing in the first place. I was always like, “Doesn’t contact usually turn into hits and home runs and stuff? And what if the defenders out there aren’t very good? I’m supposed to trust those guys to just catch everything? And what if they’re tired or hurt? Or just plain bad? What if the guy hitting is super fast and can beat out groundballs? What if he’s super strong and can turn normal flyballs into dingers? Wouldn’t a strikeout just be the better way to go? Just remove all that chance and luck and uncertainty and whatnot?”
Pitching Coach: You think too much, college boy.
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The Trance of Waiting 