Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols Discuss Their Finances

Prince Albert


Albert: Prince, I probably shouldn’t be asking you this, what with the very important baseball game we’re currently playing still going on—but I have to know, what are you going to buy with all that money you get this off-season?

Prince: Inappropriate as this topic of conversation may be given the present circumstances, I too was eager to hear of your monetary plans as well!

Albert: Great minds, Prince. Great minds.

Prince: I hear that, brother. Anyway, I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think the first thing I’ll do is solidify the college funds I’ve created for my two children, Jadyn and Haven.

Albert: Haven is a funny name.

Prince: You’re one to talk, my man, did you really name one of your kids Ezra? Big fan of the Cantos, are you?

Albert: Actually, I found the Cantos to be a bit too preoccupied with its own notion of cultural awareness. Pound’s ambivalent use of quotation as a vehicle for incessant historical and societal emptiness was a bit problematic for me, as well.

Prince: Holy shit, nevermind, forget I asked.

Albert: I’m much more taken by his earlier work, Personae and the like. The lucidity of the prose allows for his superior technical ability to really make an impact.

Prince: I don’t have any idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I just remembered the book from high school, dude.

Albert: Sorry Prince, let’s get this conversation back on topic. I’ve been known to deviate a bit when an influential master such as Pound enters the discourse. I’m probably just going to give most of the money to Glenn Beck.

Prince: Hold on, what? That crazy white guy from Fox News?

Albert: He can be very convincing when presenting his three-stage plan for the evolution of American society. I could introduce you sometime if you’d like.

Prince: No thanks, man. I think I’m just going to invest in the college.

Albert: Fair enough.

Prince: I’ll probably also buy like a pile of diamonds.

Image courtesy of Jamie Squire/Getty Images

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